I re-read the my last post and realized ... I don't know this man I've lived with for nearly twelve years.  However there are several things I do know that make me wonder what sort of madness is going on in this man's mind when he's drunk.

First, I believe he believes I think I'm better than he is somehow because I used to have money, I've traveled and I've experienced much more of the world than he has.  I don't think that at all.  In fact, I think much less of myself because of how I threw that all away with drugs and alcohol.  Since he's doing exactly the same thing, he certainly wouldn't see my actions that way.

The other night he saw me eating my salad with my fingers -- I was just picking at it really.  When I saw him looking at me I said, "I know, this would embarrass you which is why I don't do it while we're out."  Well, we rarely go out together -- I can't remember the last time we went visiting or out to eat or to a movie.  So when he's drunk he repeats this trivial incident with, "You're a total embarrassment!  I don't care if you did see someone in Europe eating their salad with their fingers; here in The States civilized people eat salad with a fork."  I don't respond to him but I'm thinking in my head, "Where is that coming from?"  a) I've never been to Europe  b) I've never eaten my salad with my fingers in public  c) civilized people?  Do civilized people get drunk and come home acting like a mad man?

Second ... all that bravado about being in jail before and "it ain't nuthin'.  He was arrested ONCE for DUI.  Slept it off in the drunk tank, went to court for it and had to pay a fine and perform so many hours of community service -- picking up trash in front of the courthouse.  That was years before I met him so in the past eleven years he hasn't been in jail.

In the mind of this drunk man, reality becomes wildly distorted and I get punished for things I never did or said.  When he's sober, he's remorseful and sweet and says things like, 'I would NEVER hit you!"  Yeah, OK.

More bad news this morning ... once again the place where I was going to stay until I could fly to California has been removed from the equation.  If only I could stay with family it would make my life so much easier but ... no such luck.  I actually don't even want to bring my grief into anyone's home while I'm transitioning.  Many people feel the same way I do ... i did this myself.  I chose to stay.  Well, now I'm choosing to leave.  Maybe it's just as well I can't ask anyonoe to help me because i don't want to feel ingratiated.

How many women have been trapped in a relationship because they had nowhere to go?  I'm going to do this somehow.  I won't be defeated ... not after everything else I've been through.  I've been through far too much to give up now.