It's hard to respond to y'all who have encouraged, supported and comforted me when I've no good news to offer.  Sometimes though any news is good news and I've some news that indicates a little step  forward. 

I have a place to go.  It's not far enough away and not the most ideal situation but it's a place to be where I'll be safe.  He had agreed to me staying until I could "get my act together" to have all my things moved to California -- maybe two weeks.  He promised I would be safe.  Another promise down the drain since he made the promise in the morning and that same evening came home very drunk  He wasn't abusive but neither was he kind. 

Without telling him anything at all, I made a few calls and finally worked out a plan with my best friend.  I went to therapy yesterday morning and told my  therapist what was going on.  Instead of encouraging me to "save the twelve year relationship" as she had done before, she spoke the words I'd been longing to hear anyone say, "You've made your feelings known and did so in a loving, caring way.  It's evident he's not interested in making an effort.  It's time to get out and you can do so knowing you've done all you can do."  Why I should need "permission" from my therapist is beyond me, but it helped.

After therapy I went to storage and loaded up all my suitcases and more empty boxes.  When he saw the suitcases he seemed a little taken aback.  I didn't say anything but since then I've been telling him things we need to do regarding certain items and a few bills he'll need to take over that we hadn't mentioned before.

Today he's across the river again and SAYS he'll be back early but I don't have much faith in anything he says any more.  I've decided that if he's not home at a reasonable time I'll not spend the night here.  If he's home at a reasonable time and drunk, I'll not spend the night here.  Then everything will kick into high gear and I'll be out in the shortest time possible.

I know the grieving period will come but at this moment I feel I have only one purpose ... to keep myself safe.

Thank y'all so much for continuing to check on me.    Your caring, concern, thoughts, prayers, kindness -- ALL appreciated so very much.  It's amazing to me to feel so pitiful and yet y'all haven't turned away from me during this painful time.  True, some have given up on me because my life has been "too negative" but I can't worry about them.  I look forward to being around a lot more after I'm out of here and then I can shower the love on y'all as I once did.  Hopefully the pain of a failed twelve year relationship won't consume me for too long.  Just trying to be realistic ... I know that no matter how right this decision is, the pain will come ... but I also know I'll be OK.