It's hard to know what to say ... even embarrassing.  There have been so many changes.  Unfortunate drama. 

I was terribly unstable emotionally which took it's toll on everyone around me.  The tension escalated until it erupted into drama and I was forced by circumstances to flee the haven I fled to for safety.  How ironic is that?  I lost the only valuable possession that survived Katrina -- ruined beyond repair -- once a valuable antique, now worthless.  I don't know how it happened.  I suspect it was the unfortunate victim of the fallout.  I can't see any other way it could have gotten so damaged.  All I can say is oh well -- it's just a thing.  Not anything I want to grieve over -- bigger fish to fry -- bigger concerns to care about.

The biggest loss ... I lost a friend.  The who, how, what and why isn't unimportant.  It's over.  People will say it will be OK but I'm fairly certain that's not the case.  Truthfully, I don't think it would be in either of our best interest to pursue reconciliation.  I'm not sure it ever will be.  Time will tell but that's not my biggest concern right now.

Where am I?  Limbo.

Oddly, the person who came to my rescue was Mr. Man.  I'm living out of a suitcase in the spare bedroom of his condo.  He's been supportive, loving, caring ... sober.  I cried for days.  Uncharacteristically he comforted me and apologized for his part in the situation. 

During the moving I did something that aggravated my siatic nerve.  I've been in  horrible pain.  Mr. Man has been taking care of me -- something he never did the entire eleven years we were together.  He tells me he didn't think I'd leave.  He talks about how empty his life was without me.  He says he still wants to try.  I tell him I still don't trust him.  I tell him I won't be pressured and the fact that I have nowhere to go at present doesn't mean we'll reconcile.  I tell him I'm most interested in getting me better physically and emotionally.  In fact, it's my ONLY concern.  It's time for to take care of me.  I won't allow anyone to deter me.  I WILL get better ... with help.

This last event has me feeling vulnerable, defective, degraded and humiliated but not defeated.  Although, I am concerned that I'm so broken not even my best friend was able to stand me.  Speaks volumes, I think.

Honestly, I haven't decided anything other than I want to continue therapy.   I'm safe for now but in my heart and mind I'm lost and have no idea where I'm going.  BUT ... as my mother always told me, "In everything a blessing" -- I just can't see the blessing in this yet but one day my mouth will fly wide open, I"ll gasp and then say, "Oh, now I see!"

California is still a dream.  I'll never lose hope ... ever!

By the way, y'all are responsible for lifting up my heart and the corners of my mouth.  The joy of living ... y'all are very much a part of that joy for me.   Thank you!