Not many people know this of me ... and some people probably wouldn't believe it, but I'm actually very shy.  It's not easy for me to put myself out there.  It's especially not easy for me to say to someone, "I like you" ... rejection can be a hurtful thing. 

When I was a child ... erm ... a younger child, I was always picked last for teams.  I was always short and chubby.  Because I was an outcast, I actually studied. Then I became the target of teasing because I was smart ... teacher's pet, blah, blah,blah.  I was never part of the "in crowd" ... never hip, slick or cool.

Later in life it became impossible for me to open myself up to anyone ... ANYONE ... for any reason.  If I don't let you know that I like you or care about you, then you can't hurt me.  That's total BS but denial has long been my forte.

In my adult life, I became fatally hip and terminally cool.  People liked hanging around me ... even though, I didn't give a crap about them.  It was peculiar that I could do drugs with peple I didn't know (or knew and didn't like), have sex with strangers (sometimes for dope, sometimes for money for dope) -- etc. blah, blah, blah and yet to do anything with anyone I cared about, liked or admired was nearly impossible for me.  There have been few relationships where I have told anyone that I loved them and would do anything for them.  I've only said that in a romantic relationship once and only a few times to friends.  It has come hard for me  ... to let the walls down.  It was in the not too distant past that someone shut me out of their life for reasons unknown to me.  We had been close, I thought.  It tortured me for many long months.

I can tell anyone anything about my life (obviously from the paragraph above).  I dont' have any problem revealing aspects of my life.  However, precious few know not only what I've done but how I truly feel.  There are people I openly admire but that took a lot of stepping out into unfamiliar territory ... scary stuff for me.

The bottom line, is that I'm always surprised when someone likes me ... really likes me, even after they know my dark past.  More suprising is when I put myself out there and admit I have any degree of affection for someone.  I did it this morning ... I stepped out there and said "Hey.  I like you ...  I've grown because you're in my life."  To my amazement, it feels good.  It feels great, in fact.  It's this whole ... no more hiding in 2008 thing.  It's liberating. 

Now, all I have to remember is that I'm not the only one who is shy ... not the only one who has trouble opening up.  So if someone doesn't reciprocate, it's okay.  My door is open ... my mind is open ... my heart is open ... come and get it.